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Sorry, did I wake you?
I have a cold,
so it’s been a miserable week. For me the worst part of a cold
isn’t the stuffy nose or hacking cough, attractive though they
might be; it’s the fact that I can’t sleep at night.
Over the years
I’ve developed my own regimen for getting through a cold. At
night I slurp cough medicine as if it were fine wine and spray
some vile stuff in my nose in an attempt to breathe.
But during the
day I rely on what I call my little red pills, aka
decongestants. They’re the reason for the sleepless nights —
when it says “non-drowsy” on the package it means that you can
kiss a good night’s sleep goodbye.
Steve thought
he would relieve my sleepy crankiness by giving me the National
Sleep Foundation’s list of
25 Random Facts About
Sleep to ponder. He should have known better. When
I’m sleep deprived I find fault even with Hamlet. (Did
Shakespeare really have to kill off everyone on stage for
heaven’s sake?!) But magnanimous person that I am I will share
with you some of these cheery thoughts. Maybe they’ll put you to
sleep.
Man is the only mammal
that willingly delays sleep.
Ain’t that the
truth? How many times have I been in bed, half asleep, and yet
still read one more chapter or watched the end of some
ridiculous TV show, or worse, watched some movie that I’ve
already seen 20 times?
Or decided not
to indulge in a nap because there’s some housework to do or
someone to call, or yet another list to make.
If I had any
brains I would enroll in Snoopy’s home-study program on how to
successfully nap through a day. His doggy highness arises in the
morning, has a breakfast nosh, barks at a few squirrels, then
settles down for his midmorning snooze. Afterwards he goes for
his walk then sleeps until dinner. After dinner he takes his
pre-sleep nap, from which I have to wake him so that he can go
out before he sleeps through the night. The dog never met a nap
he didn’t take. Delay is not in his vocabulary.
We naturally feel tired
at two different times of the day: 2 a.m. and 2 p.m.
Okay, I’ll buy
the 2 p.m. slump because I personally find myself face-down in a
cup of coffee each day at precisely that time, but 2 a.m.? Most
people are asleep at 2 so, yes, I would say that asleep equals
naturally tired. And if I’m up at 2 when I should be asleep, of
course I’m tired and in a very bad mood. Am I missing something
here?
Newborns sleep a total
of 10.5 to 18 hours a day on an irregular schedule with
periods of one to three hours spent awake.
That fact is
in direct correlation with this one:
A new baby typically
results in 400-750 hours lost sleep for parents in the first
year.
However, new
parents with babies who sleep 18 hours a day usually get plenty
of sleep except, and this is very important, if the kid is
getting those 18 hours during the day and boogieing at night.
Now if, like me, you are lucky enough to hit the jackpot with
kids who sleep only two hours the entire day or night, sleep
deprivation becomes an art.
Okay, so it
only seemed like Lisa and Mariel slept two hours; in reality
they probably slept at least four hours. My kids were born with
their eyes wide open and refused to shut them until they were
15. As a result of this I can vouch for the next fun fact:
According to a 2008
Sleep in America poll, 36 percent of Americans drive drowsy or
fall asleep while driving.
I used to pull
up to a red light and tell myself that I had plenty of time to
catch a nap; no one would know and I would get a whole three
minutes of uninterrupted rest. When you’re in sleep deprivation
la-la-land you’ll believe anything you tell yourself.
One of the primary
causes of excessive sleepiness among Americans is self-imposed
sleep deprivation. Which I believe is tied to:
Experts say one of the
most alluring sleep distractions is the 24-hour accessibility of
the internet.
In other
words, get off the computer, or phone, and stop tweeting,
texting and twaddling. Just go to sleep you idiot! And while
you’re at it sign up for Snoopy’s workshop.
Snoring is the primary
cause of sleep disruption for 90 million American adults; 37
million on a regular basis.
And if it’s
anything like my house those numbers include both the snorer and
the snoree who, on a regular basis when woken up, will whack the
snorer up the side of the head.
And the final
quote that I need to do more research on:
According to the results
of the 2008 Sleep in America poll, 34 percent of respondents
reported their employer allowed them to nap during breaks and 16
percent provided a place to do so.
Where on God’s
good Earth are these enlightened employers and where do I find
them?
On second
thought, they probably do not want their names publicized since
every sleep junkie in America will be pounding on their doors
begging to be hired.
And I, for
one, would bring my pillow.
March 4, 2010
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