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Call 1-800-Geek-Squad
Just because
I now have a grandchild, I don’t want you to think I’ve been
driving around in one of those Winnebagos with a bumper sticker
that reads: “Ask Me About My Grandchild!” It is not my style. I
tend to be more subtle.
Besides, my
fingers are killing me from gripping the steering wheel on that
thing. A billboard montage of your grandchild is much less
expensive… trust me.
My little
Miss Lola Bee is about to have her first birthday. Blonde hair
is peeking its way out of her head just like a baby chick’s and
her eyes look like two blueberries. She’s got a voice that can
travel from a sweet baby lamb’s to Marge the Barge in the course
of two seconds. She’s a sunny little bunny and likes to suck her
two fingers. Lola is very generous with her Cheerios, cheese and
more than happy to hand you a bloop of smashed banana. If you
think for a moment, however, that you are going to get one of
her yogurt raisins…think again. Just back away from the raisins
and nobody gets hurt.
It’s funny,
she’s really not all that impressed with baby toys. The cloth
books, the xylophone, the stacking cups? Blah, blah, yawn,
zzzzzzz. What revs her to a spasmodic level, however, is any
type of technological device. It could be your clicker,
computer, calculator, cell phone, alarm clock, garage opener.
Like a little magpie, she is drawn to shiny silver things with
buttons and blinking lights. When the phone rings and she hears
someone say, “Hello?” That’s it: she becomes a human pinwheel
fighting against the air to propel herself across the room.
I am,
however, a little concerned about the future implications of
this technological obsession of hers. I have been trying. Lord
knows I have been trying to keep afloat in the world of
technology. Between my computer, clicker, garage door opener,
house alarm AND my new camera - I have been sucked into a vortex
of technology. And, folks, let me tell you, it is not
going swimmingly.
Allow me to
give you an example. Lola’s teething reminded me that people
swear by a little bourbon on the gums. Parents don’t like to use
bourbon anymore; they prefer pediatrician recommended
treatments. I don’t know why they don’t use bourbon because it
has been making my gums feel great.
First there
was the teething gel. Simple. Then it was discovered that “white
noise” has a lulling effect on babies. White noise is static.
Lovely, melodious static. It doesn’t matter what it sounds like
because, when it comes to soothing a baby, we would sit on
jackhammers if it worked.
So, there I
was, babysitting at Lola’s house one day. I had her in my arms,
with an I-Pod behind my head that was spitting out static. I had
a clicker for the television so I could read lips for
entertainment. I did not care. The baby was contentedly resting
in my arms. Nothin’ better.
It was
getting darker outside, and I realized there were no lights on
in the house. Don’t care. Not movin’. The sound of static filled
the air like blue sparks as the baby slept soundly. Suddenly,
without warning, the I-Pod shut off. Kaput. A hush fell. Panic
spiked through my hair like a startled cat. Slowly, I turned to
see what went wrong with the I-Pod, and I realized that I have
never touched an I-Pod before. Furthermore, even if I
had, my glasses were especially helpful sitting in my pocketbook
across the room. Not moving. Blindly, I reached the I-Pod and
hit a button. We were then listening to the Beastie Boys. As the
baby started to rustle, I then had the clicker pointed like a
gun at the TV, trying to shut it off. It wouldn’t shut
off. Instead, it became stuck on this one channel featuring a
rather scholarly show: Tupac’s Resurrection. Now, I am going to
admit that I like his poetry. But for those of you folks who
don’t know Tupac, he is a dead gangster who did not become dead
because he was an accomplished Eagle Scout.
Between
gritted teeth, I was then spewing venom at the television: I
hate you - go ahead - blow up – like I care – get the
hatchet – grrrrr…… Suddenly, Jacqueline walked into the
room. She jerked to a halt and stood there. I don’t know why. I
would think it is rather common for a grandmother to be holding
a baby in the dark listening to the Beastie Boys and
watching Tupac’s resurrection.
Pondering the
years to come, I am just going to have to adopt one of those
Geek Squad people to help me get into the fast lane of
technology. As long as there is no power outage, we’re all set.
And let me tell you, I am way ahead of that potential
hazard. Lest my little Lola Bee think I am a major goober in the
world of technology, I have already asked for a portable
generator for my birthday, thank you.
July 17, 2008
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